THE TEA COFFEE DIARIES
Never have I imagined that this would be the job for me. I guess I was mistaken. It's not a secret how we were before I left. We are still slowly climbing back up but I guess we are far better off. Though sacrifices had to be made. I had to go.. and I had to let go and be broken for the first time. He pushed me to be here. He was perhaps the reason why I'm here because he promised that he would come follow as soon as he can. But it didn't happen. It did not happen.
Ever since the day I met Finn , my life changed. I remember the night I saw him. . We met for a casual date and after a few drinks things did not get any better. Like in the movies, it was rainy and it has all the the elements of taboo but for me nothing was forbidden. when he turned his engine on, his brown eyes met mine. Luring me to his soft lips. I didn't even have a clear picture of his face but something in me was boiling that moment and reached for a kiss. Everything stop. I saw the rain drops as still as crystals hanging over the misty air. The space swirled and it was foggy. I closed my eyes and my hands... my whole body was working voluntarily, trembling and very very warm. Apart from feeling the butterflies inside me, all I know was i was sweating profusely, and my breathing was getting rapid, I was pulsating in desire until finally we both succumbed to the quietness of the night. I kept my eyes close. I never knew him... but somehow I've been waiting for Finn to happen.
Finn was a good guy. Dominating but he's the type that would listen. Big built that holding to his arms whenever we walk made me felt secure. I always considered myself a damsel in distress and somehow I want a man who would be mean to others but is very loving to me. Just like your typical Arnie movie. He is a living cliche- talk, dark and handsome. I know was lucky! I didn't mind that his family would not accept take me as his partner for as long as the man i want was with me, for as long as he wants me, i couldn't care less. We would drive by the country side on weekends, walk by the beach, pretend to be a couple on open houses and fantasize having our own home, and our own bedroom. I was a Stepford wife and he was my Stepford husband out for a weekend on Hamptons. I never thought i would meet someone like him but i did. He flies in out and of the country, so whenever he's away immediately he would call me as soon as he arrives in or outstation. As i was still trying to finish school, every time my duty would finish, he would fetch me and we'll have dinner. From gourmet to street, we didn't mind for as long as we're together whenever it's possible. At the end of every memorable rendezvous, I would send him down the street until he gets a cab. We would fight, argue, kiss and make up while waiting for his ride home. This was my favorite part of it all and it was his too.
Opportunity knocked and I welcomed it with both arms. I never wasted any effort knowing what my life goal is. I knew being in the hospital, confined to a laboratory is not what pictured myself doing. The ad presented itself and it was a calling I need to respond to. Finn supported me throughout. I guess he was happy. He bought me all the stuff I needed for the interview, he practiced with me, and asked the silliest job interview questions. The time I got the job was the time reality struck Finn and everything changed from then on. He was often moody and lifeless. I asked him all i needed was for him to stop me and i would do it. But he would just say , "you need to do this. I will be there". He did not want to be selfish I know but actually I want him to be.
I had to let go. On the night I was to leave, He had an earlier flight to San Francisco. We went to get a cab to the airport and it was a walk to remember. No usual taunting, teasing or laughter. No smirking, no funny faces, no holding of hands. Amidst the noise surrounding us, I didn't hear anything but my heart beat and my heavy breathing. We were like strangers and we did not know how to start until finally it was time for him to take the taxi. Before he went inside, he suddenly reached for me. Again, just like the first time we met, time went still. the crowd froze, the traffic stopped, and it was just us. I knew he wanted to say something as his both hands gripped my numbing arms. I saw tears forming from his eyes as he tried to stop himself from saying something. He released me and said "open this note as soon as you're in the plane...you have to promise." He quickly jumped to the cab and closed it. He didn't even bother looking back. I felt offended but i guess i needed to understand that parting is never easy. Parting not knowing if it would be the last time or not is never easy...
I kept my word and soon after take-off, I read his note.
It would be hard to come back after San Francisco without you in Manila. I don't know how to start but i will try. Wait for me.. I'll be there soon.
PS. check your filofax. i kept a few dollars inside. please use it to call me.
I quickly reached for my bag... looked for my filofax and inserted in between the pages are post-it reminders of our monthsaries and a few sweet nothings from him. My heart burned and my eyes swell. Looking out, I reminded myself. You wanted this now stop crying.